Disclaimer: Discussions of Intimate Partner Violence and spoilers for the movie It Ends with Us ahead.
As a survivor of Intimate Partner Violence, countless complexities impact one’s path to safety and healing. From the more tangible consequences of abuse, like a black eye or closely monitored DM inbox, to the less visible variables survivors encounter every day, such as systemic barriers and cultural stereotypes – there is virtually no aspect of a survivor’s life or personhood which is untouched by the effects of the violence they’ve survived. While some survivors find community and empowerment through speaking about their experiences, others find healing to be a process that requires privacy. Others still, as any survivor knows too well, must keep their experiences private as an urgent matter of safety and survival.
These realities are just a few of the reasons a best-selling book turned controversial movie like It Ends with Us means so much to survivors of Intimate Partner Violence. While one story could never possibly convey the breadth of survivor experiences that exist, studies show that movies do have a significant impact on society’s beliefs, opinions, and attitudes. So, more than just a puzzling press tour to judge on TikTok, this movie represents an opportunity for survivors to see how their friends, family, coworkers, and community might talk about them if it was their story on screen. As a survivor-centered organization, Shelter Movers is driven by the insights and dedication of the survivors we work with (staff and volunteers) and the survivors we support (clients). We recognize the current impact of conversations around It Ends with Us as well as the profound potential they hold for change.
A Note on ’Domestic Violence’
The words we use shape our understanding of reality, represent value, and elicit certain beliefs. As such, the media and public may refer to “Domestic Violence” because it is familiar, while professionals in social services prefer the terms “Intimate Partner Violence”, “Gender-Based Violence”, or “Family Violence”. These terms more accurately capture the various forms and settings of abuse. “Domestic” implies that violence is a private or at-home issue, potentially downplaying its severity and limiting public investment in discourse. We choose to use ‘Intimate Partner Violence’ (IPV) to provide clarity and encourage understanding of the breadth of abuse. .
A Bestselling Novel Faces Adaptation Decisions
It Ends with Us the movie is based on the 2016 bestselling novel of the same name by Colleen Hoover. The story centers on Lily, a 20-something aspiring florist who moves to Boston and falls in love with a charming but troubled neurosurgeon named Ryle. While the beginning of the story shows Lily struggling to write anything positive about her father for his eulogy, the bulk of the narrative shifts between flashbacks of Lily meeting her first love, Atlas, and her deepening relationship with Ryle. As the story progresses, Lily and Ryle’s relationship grows and the harsh truths of all the characters’ childhoods are revealed. Lily learns of Ryle’s tragic childhood involvement in the death of his brother by accidental gunshot, and the audience learns of both Lily and Atlas’ experiences of witnessing IPV between their respective parents.
It Ends With Us the movie is considered a very close adaptation of the book. As Cosmopolitan explains, the story is the same, the characters are the same, and most of the events happen in the same order.
Despite a few missteps in the attempted creation of promotional products after the book’s initial release, the book was widely considered a huge success. Author Colleen Hoover based the book on her own parents’ relationship and described it as the hardest book she’d ever written. Kirkus Reviews applauded the book for “relationships portrayed with compassion and honesty, powerfully illustrating the devastation of abuse – and the strength of survivors”.
Despite the book’s nuanced exploration of IPV, some cinematic choices in the film adaptation significantly impact the portrayal of the relationships. For instance, Ryle’s first act of violence in the book is clearly an intentional response to something Lily has done. Not only is it distinctly portrayed as abuse, but Lily warns Ryle that she will leave him if he ever hurts her again. Comparatively, the first time Lily experiences violence at the hands of Ryle in the movie it is unclear to both Lily and the audience if it was intentional. It is portrayed as an explosive response to the physical pain of a rash choice Ryle makes and, when he apologizes, Lily reassures him that it was an accident in which they were both unfortunately injured. Similarly, the book’s second instance of abuse, where Ryle pushes Lily down the stairs during a rage, is linked to his unresolved trauma. In contrast, the movie depicts the same event as an unintended accident, with Lily downplaying her concerns and not yet knowing about Ryle’s childhood trauma.
In both the book and the movie, it is clear that Lily relates Ryle’s behavior to the IPV she witnessed as a child. However, the complexity and honesty of the relationships in the book get lost in the subtle storytelling adjustments of the film adaptation. While both versions of the story follow a young woman realizing she is in an abusive relationship similar to the one she saw between her parents, the movie paints a picture of significantly different decision-making than the book. While no one story could ever convey the complexity of every kind of abusive relationship, nuance is absolutely integral to stories that portray survivors of IPV.
When you combine these considerations with the lack of content warnings, disclaimers, or resources listed in the presentation of the movie, many survivors and other critics comment that the adaptation lacks both real-life complexity and consideration for the diverse audiences who will see the movie. Given that over 44% of women and 35% of men in Canada report experiencing violence in intimate relationships, it’s clear that the audience will include many people who stand to be deeply affected by the portrayal of this story – people who have experienced abuse, people who love a survivor, people who have witnessed abuse, and even people who will be left contemplating whether their family could write something positive about them when the time comes for their eulogy.
Finding Your Atlas
A narrative choice that stood out to some survivors and critics as concerning revolves around Lily’s “first love”, Atlas. While all three characters are established as having significant childhood trauma which deeply impacts their decision-making and behavior, Atlas’ character is also tasked with playing the part of Lily’s true love, a constant comparison to Ryle and a reminder of what Lily imagines love should be. Where Ryle is short-tempered and suspicious, Atlas is patient and curious. Where Ryle ignores Lily’s boundaries and demands her attention, Atlas pines for her and offers consistent support. When Lily needs immediate help to escape Ryle’s violence, Atlas is her first stop, and when Lily finds the courage to leave Ryle, Atlas represents her future.
While the portrayal of an ideal partner is not, in and of itself, problematic, many survivors report concerns about Atlas as an “ideal partner”. Not only does Atlas’ character admit to driving past Lily’s work and home regularly before making contact with her after she moves to the city he already lives in, but Atlas openly ignores Lily’s requests for privacy and autonomy in several ways. When Atlas suspects Ryle of having abused Lily, he follows her into a bathroom and blocks the door to demand she confide in him. Then, after lashing out in violence at Ryle, Atlas shows up at Lily’s flower shop to make his continued interest in her known. For many survivors, their safety depends on a carefully arranged system of delicate boundaries and processes that ensure some safeguards against their abuser’s behavior. When friends, loved ones, or acquaintances intentionally violate these boundaries and safeguards, no matter how well-meaning their actions may be, they risk increasing the frequency or intensity of abuse.
For those viewers who personally find no issues with Atlas’ behavior or role as a parallel to Ryle’s character, there’s one last consideration; What are the implications of telling a story where the abuser is distinctly less dynamic than their counterpart? For many survivors, Ryle’s character is a walking red flag whom they would run away from in an instant. If viewers are simply expected to conclude that some men are bad and other men are good, regardless of anything else about them, the question of why a survivor would ever stay with their abuser seems legitimate. However, many survivor stories start with their first love, their true love, their patient and curious admirer. For many survivors, their Atlas is the one that turned into their abuser.
A Problematic Press Tour
Separate from the considerations about the movie’s portrayal of Intimate Partner Violence, the problematic press tour surrounding the movie has largely overtaken discussions of the message behind the story itself. From concerns about the movie being used to promote a hair care line and cocktail company, to talking points that seem crafted for a lighthearted romantic comedy, the movie’s questionable marketing strategy is at the center of public discourse in most places online. Although some viewers have commented on the way this controversy actually benefits the popularity of the movie and, by extension, the likelihood that audiences will turn out to see it, many viewers who had never heard of the book or had other advanced knowledge of the story’s subject matter have reported concern upon realizing the film centers IPV.
The social media compilations comparing the interview content and promotional styles of the various stars of the film have outlined a variety of opportunities for more nuanced conversations about the movie’s subject matter. While some messaging during the press tour has highlighted Lily as “more than just a victim of domestic abuse”, other messaging still positions the movie as an opportunity for “a Lily in real-life to see herself on-screen and make a different choice for herself”. Although each member of the cast seems well-intentioned in their messaging, the reality for every real-life survivor is that trauma and abuse are incredibly complex. Not only do survivors who find the courage to leave their abusers face an uphill struggle to process and heal, but the most dangerous period for many survivors is when they seek to leave their abuser. When a survivor leaves their abusive situation, they threaten the power and control their abuser has, which often causes the partner to retaliate in harmful ways.
Despite responses to concerns about the press tour in the form of cast members sharing additional resources for Intimate Partner Violence support online, many survivors and critics feel the press tour represents a larger problem with the way stories of this subject matter are handled in the media. Survivors are the experts in their own experiences, and while a movie or a book is ultimately a profit-earning endeavor, certain stories come with a responsibility to treat the subject matter with dignity, empowerment, and compassion. The entire production team of It Ends With Us should use this opportunity to focus on the stark realities of the subject matter central to their story and engage with communities in a meaningful way to impact change.
It Would Have Been Harder to Leave
One thing many survivors agree It Ends With Us gets right in both the movie and the book is the layers of childhood trauma that often create a perpetual cycle of abuse through complicated relationships. Lily and Atlas initially bond over their shared experiences as children living in abusive homes and, when Lily’s father beats Atlas after finding them in bed together, their connection becomes enshrined in the heightened stress and drama of their shared abuse. Later in the story, Lily rationalizes much of Ryle’s behavior through the lens of his childhood trauma, causing their trauma bond to grow even deeper. After leaving Ryle, Lily finally asks her mother why she stayed with her father despite the years of violent abuse she endured. Lily’s mother recounts, “It would have been harder to leave. And…I loved him.”
Despite the depth and authenticity of many parts of the story, It Ends With Us owes its name to a line from a scene that portrays an almost unheard-of scenario – one where Lily peacefully informs Ryle she wants a divorce while he holds their newborn baby. Ryle initially pushes back, but when Lily asks him to consider what he would tell their daughter if she was with a man who abused her, he agrees they should separate and calmly leaves without further incident. Survivors, general audiences, and critics alike have flagged this scene for its anticlimactic simplicity and sheer lack of realism. Even with the understanding that Lily’s character has the financial resources to be independent, the idea that the only thing keeping her in the relationship was the simple decision of whether or not to leave is a glaring reduction of the realities faced by survivors of Intimate Partner Violence.
As countless recent news stories demonstrate, women in Canada are most likely to experience violence in their own homes, particularly when an abuser learns of their intention to leave their situation. The statistics tell us that, on average, a woman in Canada is killed by her intimate partner every two days and that abusers are more likely to escalate control (up to and including femicide) when a survivor announces their intention to leave or reveals they are pregnant. Even more striking, these same risks are up to six times higher for women of colour and Indigenous women. These realities are just some of the reasons Shelter Movers exists – so that every survivor who finds the courage to leave has the help they need to move on from abuse and violence in power and dignity. While stories like It Ends With Us can give insight into an experience some audiences may never otherwise become familiar with, the way society at large treats these stories and talks about their characters reveal the depth of the disconnect between the problem of Intimate Partner Violence and actionable change. While we can all agree that it should end with us, the real question is: will it?
Learn more: Coercive Control & How It Affects Kids
Are you looking for a way to create change for survivors of Intimate Partner Violence? Get involved with Shelter Movers by applying to volunteer! All roles are flexible and directly support survivors to get a fresh start at a new life.